Pine Nuts: Make the Music and Dance
The first noticeably happy people to attract my undivided attention were San Diego roller-bladers, skating down the boardwalk with music in their ears. This was forty years ago or so, and these dancing athletes were clearly happy to the core. It made me smile and even laugh in the wake of their sheer joy.
Music makes everything better. I take Milt Jackson with me into the laundry room and his vibes turn that laundry room into Milt Jackson’s Avalon Ballroom, it’s magic really.
The happiest people in the world today, to one who has slipped on the ice and lived to tell about it, must be figure skaters. The ladies dress like they’re going to a cocktail party at the Royal Hawaiian, attired in three well-placed cocktail napkins. But then they put on their best poker faces and take to the ice like Joan of Arc took it to the Burgundians. I always watch the women’s competition with a frozen daiquiri in-hand, sometimes both hands. That way, when an ill-fated skater slips on the ice, and goes down like Raggedy-Ann, I can take a sip, open my third eye, and feel her pain.
The music leaves a little to be desired. I might like to throw in some Van Morrison, and really crank it up with, G-L-O-R-I-A! Also, a little LOUIE-LOUIE might help to liven things up a little bit.
I remember watching the Lady’s Olympic Figure Skating Competition on television where I worked, and arriving home to find my wife watching the same program, but an hour behind what I had just seen. Well, she already believed I was a genius in one thing and one thing only, women’s figure skating, and this was my chance to cement that belief.
I waited for just the right moment, and said, “Honey, watch this! She looks a little wobbly, I bet she’s going to fall on her…”
“Oh my gosh! Darling, you’re right! You really do know your figure skating! You should be announcing these Olympics.”
To this day, if she is going to say anything complimentary about her ex-husband, me, it might be, “He has his flaws, yes, but I’ll tell you what…he knows his figure skating! He can take one look at a skater and tell you where she will place in the standings. He will point his index-finger at the television set, go thumbs down, and that girl will trip, slip, and land on her keester, I’m not kidding.”
Well, it never hurts to have somebody think you are a genius when you are really just a lucky guy who happened to have been privy to a sneak preview. Do I feel a little taste of remorse? Yes. Will I ever tell her? Never. Come watch the next Winter Olympics with me. I’ll provide the popcorn, and heck, I might even provide the commentary…
